monday morning thought`s

[scoobes]

a.. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.
b.. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.
c.. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
d.. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
But one day I turned to my bullies and said -'Sticks and stones may
e.. break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
f.. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
g.. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor
said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
h.. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?
i.. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
j.. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?
k.. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
l.. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
m.. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
n.. What do people in China call their good plates?

i just hope this puts a smile on your faces,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Pat Kelly]

- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

- Is there another word for 'synonym'?

- Why isn't 'phonics' spelled the way it sounds?

- Who's the cruel person that put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

[Hobbit]

?

Is there another word for Thesaurus?

[Parr8hed]

Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

If a fly did not have wings would it be called a "walk"?

[Lamric]

Why do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop
to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front ?

[Pat Kelly]

Why do CD's (a hard plastic disc) come in a hard plastic case, wrapped in plastic steel with no seams, taped shut on three side using the strongest tape known to man.... when light bulbs (thin glass) come in a paper box that's open on both ends?

[kf4anm]

lightbuld

who the heck would want to steal a lightbulb

[fredintoon]

8th man in

It's obviously sillbuggers day again;
OK, I'll play:-
If you can beat eggs and whip cream why can't you milk chocolate?
Fred Hill, S'toon.

[greywolfe555]

remember when stopping to smell the roses don't step in the crap

[don07tncav]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those " DNA things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.